I. AM. ENOUGH.
It's a been a few months since my last post and there have been some changes. In this thing called life, change can be a scary thing; it pushes us out of our comfort zones. Change challenges us to be brave, to be authentic, to be bold; change is scary. While change is scary, doing something that you don't want to do and living an unauthentic life is not only scarier, it's dangerous. Dangerous because you are robbing yourself of living life according to your truths, strengths, and talents. Dangerous because you are living life wearing a mask. Dangerous because the relationships you've formed, are not based on realism, but fantasy. Dangerous because you are not living in your passion and creativity - but someone else's.
Here's a brief summary of who I am. At around age 15 I was placed in juvi - labeled a juvenile delinquent. In and out of juvi homes, at the age of 16 I dropped out of school in the 9th grade. I remember every detail of what occurred that morning. A year and a half later I received my GED - while in juvi - as I vowed not to step foot into a city school again! In terms of academics, here's how it went:
1989 - dropped out of high school
1991 - received GED
1993 - Certificate in General Office Skills obtained
2004 - Associate degree from MCC obtained
2014 - Bachelor's degree from RWC obtained
If I told you that I did not think that was good enough - would you believe me? If I told you that I still feel like a failure - would you believe me?
I started the journey towards the Master's program at RWC a few months after graduating with the Bachelor's. I dropped after the first class. A year later I re-enrolled and though I seemed happy about the decision and the new adventure, secretly, I was miserable. Unlike the OM [Bachelor's major] program in which I looked forward to the assignments and seeing my group, the MSL [Master's major] program was different. I was not excited about it. Externally, yes - I was. However, internally, from the beginning, I questioned if I was doing the right thing. Was I sure? Would this be enough? Would I be enough? Have I done enough? Will this prove that I am somebody? In spite of my past failures, would this validate me?
A while back I had a life coaching business. One of the main points I encouraged and challenged individuals on, especially women, was to live an authentic and genuine life. A life based on one's truths, strengths, and talents. A life based on one's own voice - and not the voices, opinions, or views of others on how one should live one's life. I wasn't living on the standards that I was teaching! The conversations started with my close circle of friends and the prayers were on full force. I knew deep down what I wanted - what I needed to do, but I was afraid. I was afraid of letting people down. I was afraid of being seen as a failure. I was afraid of being labeled a quitter. I was afraid of people's views and opinions of me. I was afraid of not being taken seriously. I was afraid that I would not be enough. I was afraid of letting down my husband, children, and my friends: the people that matter most to me.
And then...
While in conversations with my circle, the voices in my head were beginning to quiet down. The truth was, that yes I would be letting them down; and I would also be letting myself down - if I continued living a lie. If I continued living according to the views of others and not living in my passion and creativity - yes I would be letting people down. I would be letting down the people that matter most to me!
I stopped out of the Master's program - for the second and final time. Have you ever wrestled with a decision and you were not sure if you would be making the right choice until after you made it? You know that feeling of lightness, peace, and stillness that overcomes you? I FELT IT INSTANTLY! I knew I was not making a mistake. I knew I was making the right decision - for ME!
One of my friends said it best..."You only get one life".
I've always had a passion and hunger for creativity! I've talked about writing a book for quite some time and four chapters in, I will be refocusing my energies towards realizing this goal. I will continue to write my book and see where life takes me. Photography is another love of mine and I will dive into that adventure.
I'm a life learner; whether in the classroom or whether in life - I never stop learning. For today and for this moment I will live life to the fullest....with no regrets.
One click at a time - one keystroke at a time...
**I kindly ask that you share this piece. Someone out there needs to hear - that she too, is enough**
Stay fabulous and live life according to YOU!
-ME
