I am enough.

I. AM. ENOUGH.

It's a been a few months since my last post and there have been some changes. In this thing called life, change can be a scary thing; it pushes us out of our comfort zones. Change challenges us to be brave, to be authentic, to be bold; change is scary.  While change is scary, doing something that you don't want to do and living an unauthentic life is not only scarier, it's dangerous.  Dangerous because you are robbing yourself of living life according to your truths, strengths, and talents. Dangerous because you are living life wearing a mask.  Dangerous because the relationships you've formed, are not based on realism, but fantasy.  Dangerous because you are not living in your passion and creativity - but someone else's. 

Here's a brief summary of who I am.  At around age 15 I was placed in juvi - labeled a juvenile delinquent.  In and out of juvi homes, at the age of 16 I dropped out of school in the 9th grade.  I remember every detail of what occurred that morning.  A year and a half later I received my GED - while in juvi - as I vowed not to step foot into a city school again!  In terms of academics, here's how it went:

1989 - dropped out of high school

1991 - received GED

1993 - Certificate in General Office Skills obtained

2004 - Associate degree from MCC obtained

2014 - Bachelor's degree from RWC obtained

If I told you that I did not think that was good enough - would you believe me? If I told you that I still feel like a failure - would you believe me?

I started the journey towards the Master's program at RWC a few months after graduating with the Bachelor's.  I dropped after the first class.  A year later I re-enrolled and though I seemed happy about the decision and the new adventure, secretly, I was miserable.  Unlike the OM [Bachelor's major] program in which I looked forward to the assignments and seeing my group, the MSL [Master's major] program was different.  I was not excited about it. Externally, yes - I was. However, internally, from the beginning, I questioned if I was doing the right thing. Was I sure? Would this be enough? Would I be enough? Have I done enough? Will this prove that I am somebody? In spite of my past failures, would this validate me?

A while back I had a life coaching business.  One of the main points I encouraged and challenged individuals on, especially women, was to live an authentic and genuine life.  A life based on one's truths, strengths, and talents.  A life based on one's own voice - and not the voices, opinions, or views of others on how one should live one's life.  I wasn't living on the standards that I was teaching!  The conversations started with my close circle of friends and the prayers were on full force.  I knew deep down what I wanted - what I needed to do, but I was afraid.  I was afraid of letting people down. I was afraid of being seen as a failure.  I was afraid of being labeled a quitter.  I was afraid of people's views and opinions of me.  I was afraid of not being taken seriously.  I was afraid that I would not be enough.  I was afraid of letting down my husband, children, and my friends: the people that matter most to me.

And then...

While in conversations with my circle, the voices in my head were beginning to quiet down.  The truth was, that yes I would be letting them down; and I would also be letting myself down - if I continued living a lie.  If I continued living according to the views of others and not living in my passion and creativity - yes I would be letting people down. I would be letting down the people that matter most to me!

I stopped out of the Master's program - for the second and final time.  Have you ever wrestled with a decision and you were not sure if you would be making the right choice until after you made it? You know that feeling of lightness, peace, and stillness that overcomes you? I FELT IT INSTANTLY!  I knew I was not making a mistake.  I knew I was making the right decision - for ME!  

One of my friends said it best..."You only get one life".  

I've always had a passion and hunger for creativity!  I've talked about writing a book for quite some time and four chapters in, I will be refocusing my energies towards realizing this goal.  I will continue to write my book and see where life takes me.  Photography is another love of mine and I will dive into that adventure.  

I'm a life learner; whether in the classroom or whether in life - I never stop learning.  For today and for this moment I will live life to the fullest....with no regrets.

One click at a time - one keystroke at a time...

**I kindly ask that you share this piece.  Someone out there needs to hear - that she too, is enough** 

Stay fabulous and live life according to YOU!

-ME

Just Me - Maryann

It's been a while - I know.  A lot has happened since the last time I wrote on this blog.  I've been submerged in a self-discovery journey, and it has been amazing!!!  I'm all about growth, empowerment, knowledge, and fun.

Since I could remember I've tried to be an entrepreneur because that is what EVERYONE was doing.  I felt like I was missing out.  Through my recent journey of figuring out WHO Maryann is - this is what I discovered.  Before you proceed - grab a cup of tea or coffee...or depending on the time, a glass of wine and enjoy the following.

**As always, I'd love to hear from you** 

I was laying in bed the other night and as I laid there thinking, something hit me. I've been feeling like this for quite some time; actually, years I think!  I've jumped around from one thing to next and this has happened on and off over the past twenty or so years!!!  Discovery Toys, Lea Sophia, Avon, Mary Kay, Photography, Steeped Tea, Coaching biz....and honestly, I have no emotional connection to ANY OF IT!!!  Avon was fun because I got discounts on some of their cool little stuff; but it was too much of a hassle and the discounts were not worth the headaches.  Mary Kay, I LOVE but again, the 'selling' it just not me. Photography, I loved and I miss it at times, but not as a business.  I just want to snap pictures.  I don't want to advertise, sell, edit, print, etc. I just want to pull my camera out and snap away.  The money was good - but I wasn't doing it for the money - so that incentive means nothing to me. The other stuff: Discovery Toys - that was so long ago, when I first had my son.  I got involved with that again, for the discount but I should of known THEN that 'selling' was not my thing.  As I enjoy tea, I tried Steeped Tea! However, I'm a coffee drinker - FOR LIFE.  I have so much tea at home that even if I don't order anything for a while, I'll be set.  Again, the hassle of 'selling', ordering, parties, packing, unpacking - it just wasn't worth it. So I stopped. NOW - to the big one...my recent venture...coaching and writing a book.

People always say that if we have a story to share, we should because we don't know who we could help; our story can impact someone and propel them into the right direction.  I disagree.  Not 'everyone' needs to hear about my life's journey.  I've come to realize this: Those that I choose to share my story with - will hear it.  I'm not one for glitz and glamour - as shocking as that might be.  I don't need to be up on a podium with the lights shinning on me. That's not me.  I rather be in my jeans and t-shirt - sipping a drink and having intimate conversations with my close girlfriends.  All of our lives have had ups and downs - hell I know I can be an impact right in my intimate circle; perhaps helping one of my close girlfriends open up and blossom...having them be in the spot light because that's what they may desire. Me - I'm in the background - where I like to be.  I'll be the one cheering you on or wiping your tears away; or giving you a pep talk when you need it...Whatever you need me to be - in the background, I will be.

I don't want to be a boss, CEO, or president of any company.  Believe it or not, not everyone wants to be in the spot light.  Conversely, there a many who are leaders behind the scenes.  That's where I am.  I don't want to be a final decision maker...yes, providing input is one thing but being the final decision maker....NOPE not me. I don't want the pressure or stress.  I don't want to be a speaker - I don't want the light shinning on me.  I don't want to 'publish' a book.  All the shit that has happened to me over the years, I continue to heal from, and yes - the writing process has been helping ME and those that I choose to share it with - but not with the public; not publicized for all to see.

I chose to get my bachelor's degree because I wanted to show my children that even though life happens, you still have choices in life; it's your life and although you may be dealt certain cards - you can throw that hand in and ask for a re-deal. I've chosen now to get my master's for me!  It's going to be mine...and all mine. I'm not going to have a party - like I did with my bachelor's.  I wanted to share that with a lot of people - and I did...sadly, some of those people that I did celebrate with, I don't even talk too anymore.  And I'm at peace with that.

For my master's I will celebrate with my man in Tahiti - although I graduate May 2017 and Tahiti will be April/May 2018...I will also celebrate with my intimate group of girlfriends [they know who they are]...we'll take a trip somewhere and bask in the sun as we love to do - sit on the beach and listen to the waves crash against the shoreline....

I don't mind giving advice.  I don't mind listening. I enjoy both of those activities...they are part of who I am.  However, I don't want to advertise. I don't want to charge.  I don't want to speak, I don't want to plan.  My mindset is right where it needs to be: friends, family, self...{before all is God of course!}

I just want to be Maryann...wearing jeans and a t-shirt and maybe a cute scarf....sipping an ice cold beer or drinking a fruity drink - maybe with an umbrella.

I want to get up and go to work. I enjoy what I do and Lord knows I have the easiest job at the moment!!! I'm learning some new things and that creates the challenge that I enjoy; and truthfully, I won't ever make six-figures here, but it's okay. I'm happy! That's what really matters.  I want to go to the gym after work, and eventually reach my goal weight 160-170 toned!!!  I know I can do it - just need to focus and commit.  I want to learn to swim.  I want to collect lots and lots of stamps in my passport!  I want to get together with my girlfriends and hang out at the movies, go to the spa, go on vacation, go shopping, talk and relax...go for walks....breathe fresh air.  I want to grow with my man: mentally, physically, emotionally, mentally, intimately, and spiritually - and do whatever we want - and not having to worry about other commitments, because my focus and commitments will be: self, friends, family, and God.  Outside of that - nothing matters.  I do want to get back to church...all churches will have issues and clicks, and dysfunction - my focus needs to be in my relationship with God.

It's not to say that all I want to do is live life without a care in the world; that's just plain insanity and unreal.

There are ways for me to pay it forward and be an inspiration to others outside of my intimate circle. It's called - living an authentic lifestyle.  It's also called being involved.  I'm involved with two great organizations: Dress for Success as a First Impressions Coach.  This opportunity allows me to instill not only job readiness skills to women, but also life skills in general.  There's also a chance for me to get involved in one of their committees so I would be involved and have an impact from the inside out.  Then there's STAAR Leaders of Rochester - which I'm on the board.  I know there's room for major life changing events and involvements with this group.  

I'm looking forward to all the new, fun, and exciting things that have already started to take shape.  My gifts will keep on giving :-) 

When you know who you genuinely are, you've discovered the secret to LIFE! 

Most fabulously, I'm looking forward to being just Maryann.